Reflections

Recently all I have been pondering about is how every action I take and words I say will have some kind of consequence on my children that will last forever. One thing I do know for sure is that my parenting will make them who they are and will leave a long-lasting impression on them. My parenting during these years will establish so much of their permanent personalities.

If I am guilty of anything right now, it is spending too little time with them, despite the fact that I took a few years off my lecturing post in the university. I want to love and hold my children as much as I can when they are little because I know as they get older they will not want this attention from their Mummy. I know when I was a child; time was all I wanted from my parents.

When I first became a mother, I did not comprehend how tough being a mother was going to be. When a child is under three, it is so much easier and all that parents have to do is feed and play with them. As they get older, parents have to do and be so much more. After my oldest child, Darren turned four this year, I finally realized that it is not all fun and games anymore. I have to teach him, guide him, and help him make the right decisions. What I do will have an impact on him. It is my responsibility to help him turn into a well-rounded, perceptive, unbiased, and most of all, loving child, teenager, and adult.

I relish everyday and not take anything for granted. I try and live each day to the fullest because I honestly do not know what tomorrow will bring. I have not always been this way but I sure am glad that I am now. Having this frame of mind allows me to be unperturbed and optimistic almost every day of my life. I want my children to have few rules, less structure, more fun, free expression, and not be stuck with what the current competitive society calls "normal". I do not want them to be concerned with all the little issues, tension and problems around them. I hope for them to see the bigger picture and appreciate all that life has to offer, to continue to be thrilled about life and learning for the rest of their lives.

I guess most of all is that when my children look back, I hope they will be able to say that my hubby and I gave them all the time, love, and understanding they needed; giving them choices, allowing them to make mistakes, not forcing them to conform, and showing them the way to having found meaning in their lives.

Golden RULES of Parenting

As I look back on my decade of work with children and teenagers, I often wonder what , of all the fads I have been through, was really significant. Obviously it was not all the huff and puff over breastfeeding versus bottle, bonding, early education or coporal punishment. Most of what has come and gone was more than an orgy of academic nitpicking, but beyond these provide the fundamentals for strong and emotionally secure children.

I believe strongly in the following golden conditions and climate which our children thrive best in:

They feel loved.

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved."—Victor Hugo

Being loved is not the same as feeling loved. It is not suffice just to know you love your children. You have to be sure they know it, too. You have to show them you love them just the way they are, just because they are. Loving your children, then, is largely a matter of getting the message across. Children who feel unwanted act very differently from those who feel wanted and loved. They spend lots of time trying to reassure themselves and other people of their worth. They are cautious about trying new things, for failure hurts them deeply. Children who know they are loved, on the other hand, do not have to waste time proving their worth. They are not afraid to try out their wings. They know that even if they fall, they can still count on your love and respect.

To be sure your children feel secure about your love for them:
• Look at what your words and actions may be telling your children about themselves.
• Find ways to show your children that, no matter what, you love them.

This does not mean that if you ever get angry or frustrated with your children they are ruined forever. Children do not need perfect parents. If the overall climate you create is one of love and respect, your children will learn they are valued:

just the way they are,
just because they are,
no ifs, ands, or buts.

They are provided with consistent childcare and discipline.

" There is only 1 set of rules in this house" - Children will be confused and unhappy when they live in a home with conflicting and inconsistent messages and discipline being meted out. If Daddy says "Do this" and Mummy countersmands the request, then you have just witnessed the proscecution of effective discipline. If one occasion they get away with a wrongdoing and the next moment, they are crucified for half the offence, they become confused and brainwashed.

They learn by observing good adult example.

As parents, we have the major influence and stakes for our children's standard of behaviour. Our children learn a great deal by identifying with and imitating us, which is known incidental learning. Through incidental learning, "children develop the basic survival tools they need long before they enter the world of formal schooling." Incidental learning takes place throughout a child's life, but a child's first teachers are his parents, and they are his most profound inspiration. Young children usually identify more closely with the parent of the same gender. They absorb crucial lessons about social and moral behavior by studying that parent. If parents want their child's incidental learning to be as beneficial as possible, they should demonstrate, as often as possible, the qualities they want their child to imitate like being polite, cooperative, helpful, generous and compassionate.

They are brought up by calm, firm and confident parents.

It is not an easy feat nowadays to be parents with many worries: jobs, rising costs, inflation, etc..I myself have no magic cures for all these worries but we can work on minimising the negations they generate. We can do so by just being aware of just how infectious tension from our problems can be and do our best to prevent it stirring up our children.

My 4 Jewels

"When choosing to become a parent, you are choosing to forever go through life with your heart walking around outside your body"

I earnestly believe this is the case...I never knew the extent to which I could love or care for any one person or fear so much for their well being until I became a parent myself. And for the record, it is one of the few choices in my life that I have never regretted and I would not change it for anything else in the world. Each one of my kids, let alone all 4, are worth more than that to me...(still hoping for more if my biological clock permits me.)


Hahaha.....a not so 'perfect' picture of my 4 jewels here...

A more justified picture of Sheryl... =D

To me, parenting is a compromise. All parents start out with incredibly idealistic expectations but as tension and tiredness take their toll, we tend to lower out sights to more of the middle road position, a state of equilibrium. It is not for others to criticise and compare but for parents themselves to feel what is the right way to bring up their children as any. If you love your children, enjoy them and do what feels right for you; noone can do better.